faith.
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| This is how I care about myself when nobody cares about me. |
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| Find me somewhere no where |
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| Nothing more than I love youu xx |
PMR is over. And being fifteen would be over less than 6 days. Rasa sekejap sangat masa berlalu. Semua mesti nak tanya how my PMR result right? Yeah simple to say, I got 6A 2B alhamdulillah :') Yeap kecewa tu adaa sebab target dapat 8A................ Hmp what can I do, itu je yang aku mampu beri untuk parents aku. Harap diorang tak kecewa dan terus support aku untuk SPM akan datang. InsyaAllah. Lagipun dengan masalah aku before PMR tuu memang tak menggambarkan langsung ciri-ciri 8A tu. HAHA fool me.
So nothing to be planned for next year. Whether i'm staying at Seri Serdang like a dumbass student ever or move to Seri Indah like i'm the new kids who want to learn about life. Ngehehehe Lukisan Kejuruteraan is what I've chosen. I need everyone's supported. Either it is from family or maybe friends. I need it. Tapi taktahu lah aku diterima ke tidak. Surat pun belum hantar lagi. Well, maybe my father feel like "Urrr why should I help her" Yelah, 6A je kannn :')
Hahahaha poor daughter...... By the way, me with umar becoming more closer each other. He told me when I do wrong and he told me whenever I made mistake. I like that type of guy. Wht I hope is, we'll stay forever if Allah let us be :') Makin jauh makin rapat. Makin banyak gaduh, makin sweet. Hahahaha sometimes, he acted like something I want to say 'how cute umar niiiii" Well people, it is just between me and him. No one knows how our relationship actually worked. So bitch, just keep away. Dont ever try to bother us. Godai jiji mwahhhhhh fvckoff t-,-t
Alright, till then xoxo
brrr brrr brrr i don't know
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| I miss the old you, sayang |
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| Someday. |
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| I just miss school. |
Hello world. Nama saya Istikhorah binti Ismail. Saya ahli baru kat dunia ni. Harap dapat beri tunjuk ajar. Saya taknak diajar untuk care about people. Teach me how to be heartless. Lost connection with whatever type of people. Hahaha aku dah bosan dengan masalah yang sama. Bukan bermaksud aku nak masalah yang lain..... Aku taknak pun masalah masalah ni. Membebankan hati, perasaan,akal, minda, kepala otak aku je. Aku cuma taknak masalah yang dah settle, yang lepas, yang telah luput dari ingatan berulang semula. I can't face it anymore. Just cannot.
Actually tadi pergi tengok bola dekat stadium. Harimau Malaya lawan Gajah. You know what, I feel nothing. Empty. Zero. I lost concentration of the great match.. I'm just happy as I know Harimau Malaya had score 1 goal. Masa tuu, aku mengambil kesempatan dalam kesempitan yang tak berapa nak sempit sangat, aku menjerit. Yelled. Till I know what is the meaning of "shut up, isti". Hahaha aku cuma inginkan kepuasan. YaAllah masa tuuu rasanya nak menangis lepaskan segala yang terbuku dalam hati.... But I failed. I'm fail to get the satisfaction. Just because of one guy.
My stupidity has been highlighted. Hahaha what a fool me. When everybody was like "damn, how can Thailand shoot that ball to the goal?", I was like "I've knew already....." The most thing I want to point is, the refree for the second half game. OMFG, we better buried he down. Don't let any other people paid him to be a refree for another football game. Cermin mata tak pakai ke apaa. Terang-terang player Malaysia kena shoot dekat kepala,dia boleh teruskan game. What the hell is going on with his mind. Cut his dick and better back off. Shit. Can't deny okay cause coach Thailand player pun ruffle bagai nak gilaa. Hahaha lawak gila k time tu.
I'm just too stupid of trusting people easily. I'm fucking stupid of giving people another chance easily. I'm so stupid of doing something without think twice. Hahaha sad me is sad. Aku jealous dengan kebahagiaan orang. Aku jealous dengan kesenangan orang. I want it too. Aku taktahu. Mungkin Tuhan tangguhkan kesenangan dan kebahagiaan aku untuk masa akan datang. Atau mungkin Tuhan dah bagi kebahagiaan dan kesenangan tuu. Cuma aku je yang tak perasan sebab terlalu lalai dengan kehidupan dunia. Who knows right :') Allah always gives gives gives gives and forgives. Human always get get get get and forgets. I feel ashamed of the Lord.
Smiling outside, dying inside
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| You say "you, masa i tahu you couple dengan dia, i masuk selimut menangis, youu" |
Hai, assalamualaikum :) Actually, i got no idea nak update entry blog ni. Aku nak cerita something. Something yang mungkin bagi aku, aku takkan pernah boleh lupakan. Dan mungkin, kalau aku diizinkan untuk membuat sebuah novel tentang perjalanan hidup aku, it would never finished. Aku punya hidup berbeza dengan orang lain. Yelah, memang orang kata lain orang lain ragam kann. But, this is different. Aku berbeza dan aku sedar yang tuu. Aku suka but sometimes it hurt like hell. Nobody knows how it feel. But yeah, for me it suck -,-
Aku kenal dia dah lama. Takda lah lama sangat. Since I was in form 1. Kita kenal-kenal dekat myspace..........Kita berkawan then tetiba ada orang create rumor yang dia suka aku dan aku suka dia. Hahahaaha memang feeling tu ada dalam hati aku, tapi takda lah sampai nak couple. Yelahh, time tu masing-masing ada pasangan sendiri :) But yeahh, after 1 month, we chat, we text, we meet.......... Then the friendship turn into something special. Hihihi no wonderlah till now ex dia still nak bermusuh dengan aku. Ngeh ngehh I couldn't do anything, he choose me :)
K thats the story about the infinity. Till we were about 2 years something, you've change when you've change your fon to blackberry. A lot. I don't know how to tell you but I feel it. It hurt much. In sudden, kitorang break then perhaps we will be together again like usual. But actually it is not. You never care about me anymore or even if I die, you still smiling. Ok :) Aku terima semua tuu. Sebab aku tahu, salah aku naik motor dengan Aiman... HA HA, here aku berani sumpah yang aku naik motor dengan dia time tu sebab terdesak. K i couldn't find any way. Im sorry.
Kita break............. Aku stalk twitter dia, dia dah couple dengan pmpuan lain named syiraaahmad something mcmtu lahh. Masa tuuu, 1 minggu lagi nak PMR. Aku memang rasa aku nak mati time tu. Aku takada jalan lain. I'm afraid to face another problem. Tiap hari aku berdoa kau akan berubah. Even time tu aku sangat benci kau. Lets think, senang ke nak lupakan orang yang kita dah spend time together till 2 years? Maybe you're not. But for me, its hard. Fucking hard. Rasa penyakit pelik datang dekat diri aku. Weird. Aku cuma boleh happy bila kawan aku bagi motivasi dekat aku. I've no appetite to eat if kau tiba-tiba ada dalam mind box aku. Aku akan rasa nak termuntah bila ingat kau. Aku tak mampu berkata unless ada orang tegur aku. Aku berdoa dan mengadu semua dekat Allah. Aku tahu Dia dengar doa aku :')
I've cried everyday. Til one day, my mom brought me to hospital and me pakar. I feel like, "doctor, he left me without a reason. saya tak boleh terima". I cry. YaAllah lemahnya aku masa tu. Masa tu ada 5 hari lagi nak PMR. Aku stress, more on twitter untuk lpaskan rasa hati nii. Aku tak sentuh buku. Not even once. No. I tell to my mom "kenapa benda ni jadi time-time nak dekat dengan PMR, ibuuu?" I cry. "Nak buat macam mana, kita cuma boleh berdoa. Solat lahh supaya tenang hati tu :')" Masuk bilik aku balik, aku tweet "harap aku akan mati lepas result PMR diumumkan". Time tu, itu je yang aku boleh fikir. Mati mati mati.Istighfar isti, istighfar.. Esoknya aku cuti, taknak pergi sekolah. Berat rasanya kepala ni. Semuanya sebab seorang lelaki. Im lucky cause aku takada rasa nak bunuh diri :')
PMR tiba. Aku jawab macam biasa.Cuba lupakan kau buat sementara. Aku cuba. I'm strong. Yeah. Suddenly, aku dapat rumors kata yang umar nak berkawan dengan aku and dia menyesal dengan apa dia buat. Aku ignore dia. Till one day tetiba abel mintak couple dengan aku dan aku terima. Skip this story, aku dengan abel taklama pun. Tapi aku dapat rasa kasih sayang dari abel. Abel layan aku baik sangat........But only for 10 days. K. Then back to the main story. Aku decide nak berkawan dengan umar. Just friend and nothing much. Best kawan dengan dia masa tuu. Aku rasa dia yang dulu :') Dia cakap dia sayang akuu. Dia nak get back. But hell, my heart to don't want to. Aku masih sakit hati dengan lelaki masa tu.
After bout 1 month, aku rasa dia betul akan berubah. Aku rasa. I didn't trust hundred percent. Cause i'm afraid to be hurt again. Aku trauma dan mengharapkan dia untuk erase rasa trauma tu. Alhamdulillah, hasil supported dari semua aku dengan umar okay sekarang. And and the most important thing is, dia dah stop contact that bitch. Yknow who? Yeah that faker. Capital Z. I would never stop hate her. Fullstop. Aku harap tu betul :') Lastly aku nak cakap, I have feel how it feel when someone you love leave you. And go to someone better. You feel you're heartless. Lifeless and useless. Aku dengan umar dah get back, and seriously I hope there's no other bitch would disturb us. Don't you see we're happy together, bitch :)
Hai, sedih kan cerita aku? K to umar, please change. No matter what happen, I will always support you to do something worth :') Take a good care of my heart. Lock it. Don't give it to anyone. I love you
save my love
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| We're still friend. Hope that you'll get into my heart and never try to hurt it. I'm still waiting even though I can't decide whether I should to or not :') |
Entry yang sebelum ini hanya sementara. Everything yang aku expect, semua musnah. Pudar. Hancur. Crush. Macamtu je. Hahaha ni lah punca aku jadi heartless, Sharifah. Aku cuba keraskan hati aku dengan ayat-ayat lelaki yang manis cuma pada mula. Again, aku repeat. Hanya pada mula. Lepas dia dah bosan, dia penat nak layan, dia blah lahh. Hahaha boleh tak bagitahu aku, apa punca mereka jadi macamtu? Kurang kasih sayang? OH! Yeah, it is :) Aku cuba untuk tak percayakan 100% lelaki. Its hurt much. Like hell okay.
Kadang tuuu aku rasa nak hukum diri sendiri sebab terlalu percaya lelaki yang tak sepatutnya aku percaya. Bila aku fikir balik, kenapa aku pilih dia? Woi, dia tu teruk lah isti. Seteruk-teruk kau, you does not deserve to be with him. Dia tu lebih teruk. K aku marah diri sendiri sebab bodoh sangat percaya lelaki macamtu. Hahaha fuck up -,-t Maybe masa tu aku cuma fikir, "manusia boleh berubah". K then aku accept dia. Hahahaha bodoh kuasa 8 aku ni -,- Aku tak dengar cakap umar.. Menyesal lah jugakk.
It's okay. Aku buat benda ni pengajaran bagi aku. Pengajaran supaya tak mudah percaya kata-kata lelaki. Pengajaran supaya tak mudah jatuh hati dengan ayat lelaki. Pengajaran supaya aku tak terkejar-kejar dengan lelaki yang tak sepatutnya aku kejar. Pengajaran supaya aku aku dengar cakap orang sekeliling aku. Pengajaran macam-macam.
You, go date all those girl. Go date whoever your little hear desires. Because eventually when you're done with all those girl and you find out none of them really loved you. You're going to think about me, and how much I love you. You never even gave me on chance, one little try and you're going to want a try. But you know what? I'm not going to be around anymore :')
Now, yeahh umar come back and ask me to give my love. I don't know what to decide, I need everyone.
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